Unbearable
by ILM
Summary: They've never had to think about what it would be like if one of them had someone else. When it happens, it's more difficult than either of them would ever have guessed and now he's made a decision about their partnership. Set late season 3, probably post-'Neighborhood Watch', definitely ignoring the season finale.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone! Back sooner than I'd thought - the ideas are flowing faster than usual. I didn't get a chance to reply to the reviews for the second part of 'Absence' but I appreciated every one and it was a real confidence boost for someone returning to writing after so long. There may be a sequel to that but I'm a bit stuck with it at the moment.**

**(Still not mine: if they were there wouldn't be enough actual plot to sustain the show!)**

* * *

There was a kiss and then there was awkwardness. And now he's in front of Hetty trying not to tell her why he needs out of NCIS.

"Are you unhappy with us?" she asks, in that deceptively mild tone she always uses.

He doesn't know any more. "No," he says, forcing himself not to give in to the urge to fill the silence with explanations.

"So something has changed?" she persists.

She's the smallest woman he knows. He's pretty certain he could lean on her and she'd break. And she still makes him more nervous than Sam does – well, most of the time.

"No," he repeats, almost biting his tongue to prevent more words.

She sighs. "Forgive me if I appear stupid, Detective, but I fail to see why else you would want to leave."

"Time for something different," he says, keeping his voice deliberately light. "New challenges, new ways of working, new… people."

She's staring at him as though she doesn't believe a word of it. This whole conversation had been a lot easier when it was only in his head.

"Well, I don't think I can stop you. After all, you are not my agent, however much I had hoped… However, I will ask you to give it a few more days, just to be sure."

"Hetty, I've been thinking about this for weeks already," he insists, trying not to sound desperate. "I know what I want."

"Sometimes, my dear, what we think we want isn't what is wanted for us."

Wherever he goes, he's sure there won't be anyone as cryptic as Hetty.

He pulls a face. "Okay. Three days."

"A week," she counters.

"Hetty… You said a few days."

"A few days, a week – what's the difference?" she says dismissively, with a casual wave of her hand. "Now, a week. Next Friday, if you still want to go, I will make it easy for you."

He looks at her suspiciously. "That's not a week. A week is Thursday."

"Splitting hairs, my dear. It's easier if it's a Friday. Administratively."

He's pretty sure she doesn't care about easy administration. "And then you'll back me?"

"I will."

He nods. "Okay." He turns to leave, but as an afterthought adds, "Thank you. I appreciate it."

He's almost at the door when she says his name and he has to turn again.

"I said I'd make it easy for you then. I don't promise to make it easy for you before then," she says, pointedly.

He doesn't really know what she means, but he knows he's already won as many concessions as he could hope for. So he leaves it at an acknowledging nod before he closes the door behind him.

* * *

She hears him come back but resists the urge to look up.

"Everything okay?" she asks, deliberately keeping her voice light.

"Fine," he says shortly, not offering anything beyond that.

Her mouth opens to say something else – what else, she has no idea – but she closes it again, staring at her screen without blinking until the words blur in front of her and she feels the sharp sting of tears behind her eyes. She doesn't know if she's upset or angry or just plain frustrated with this whole situation but she does know that it's going to take both of them to snap out of it. As much as she wants to blame him, she can't, not really.

The claustrophobic tension envelops them as they studiously ignore each other. She's pretty certain he's only pretending to be engrossed in his work – just like she is – but every second ticks by without the kind of flippant remark that always distracted her in the past. She used to struggle to finish her paperwork against a background of silly jokes and persuasive distractions – _c'mon, Kens, just a few minutes_ – but the past month has seen her catch up to the extent that she's worried she won't have enough work to keep her occupied and not think about them and this painful, cyclical state of affairs they've landed in.

She'd like to think this is all the fault of the kiss they've never talked about but if she forces herself to be honest she knows they could handle that were it not for the weeks preceding. It's those weeks that have done the damage, when they were locked into a spiral of mutual antagonism that neither realised wasn't just their usual banter until too late.

And she knows now, with a clarity that only ever strikes in hindsight, that it's always been about Drew, the man she met quite randomly on the beach two month ago – and yes, she knows too that being there with her partner and giving her number to another man was a mistake she shouldn't have even contemplated before avoiding it. She hadn't intended to take it any further than an interesting conversation with a nice man whilst she watched the waves peacefully and waited for Deeks to return with a promised ice cream. At that point, Drew (and his friendly dog, who had helpfully acted as a conversational catalyst) had waved merrily and gone on their way, possibly never to cross her mind again. Except he had to open his mouth, because he never missed an opportunity to see if he could fit his foot in it.

"Clearly he couldn't handle the competition."

And he'd winked as he passed over her ice cream and to this day she has no idea why it got to her. Why on that day, rather than any of the previous seven hundred days, had she had enough of his assumption of ownership and why, suddenly, couldn't she stand the idea of this merry-go-round they'd got themselves into.

"You're hardly competition, Deeks."

Something had passed behind his eyes, a glimmer of hurt that disappeared so quickly she started doubting she'd ever seen it.

"C'mon Kens, he clearly thought we were together."

"Well, if he did then I should have corrected him," she'd retorted sharply, gulping the peak of her ice cream too fast and feeling the cold freeze slither down her throat.

He'd laughed. "Like you would have done that."

And suddenly, she was angry, disproportionately so considering she heard remarks like that come out of his mouth every other day.

"You don't own me," was all she said, but she knew he'd recognised her tone.

"Kensi..."

"No, forget it," she'd cut him off hurriedly, instantly realising that this was the conversation that would get them nowhere but take them too far. "I don't... Just forget it, yeah?"

He'd nodded and _that_ was never a good sign. They argued, they bickered, they outright disagreed, that was their thing as much as anything was – harmony and cooperation simply didn't sit well with them.

They'd walked along the beach and he'd talked too much and she'd talked too little, both instinctively aware of a change that neither could describe but knew they should lock at the back of their minds. She had never before wanted to be away from him so much, even at the beginning of their partnership, but what scared her more was the deep-seated pool of adrenaline telling her this meant far more than five or six outwardly flippant sentences.

And maybe – if they'd reached their destination, gone their separate ways, spent a couple of days apart and had time to think properly – it would all have gone back to normal, with the incident no more than a slightly uncomfortable memory. It's possible that, if they hadn't run into Drew as they neared the car, there would never have been an exchanged number (that wound him up), a date (about which they argued) or a kiss (that she should never have let happen – or at the very least should have stopped before she did). But she was angry and confused and goodness knows what else, so when Drew had asked if she was single, she'd said yes before thinking twice (because she _was_ single, she reminds herself quickly), reeling off her number so he could save it in his phone. She'd ignored her partner's burning eyes and the little voice in her head that told her this was one of her more stupid ideas.

And now she has a boyfriend – a nice one, someone who's entertaining and funny, considerate and thoughtful. Someone who clearly likes her enough to overlook her evasive answers about her work – so far – and seems to be okay with her reluctance to look too far ahead – at the moment. Someone worth breaking her no-second-date rule.

She looks at Deeks, sat so near to her, and wonders if this can be fixed. She doesn't even want to contemplate why he wanted to see Hetty this morning, however loudly her instinct is knocking on the door of her denial. There's no way he's leaving her, not before they've given themselves a proper chance to get past this. It hasn't been long enough for this new situation to settle yet and it was always going to be strange when one of them was with someone else and they simply need time.

Time will help them – it has no choice.

* * *

**This started off as a one-shot but the story arc I have worked out seems to prefer chapters. Everyone cross their fingers my imagination/discipline doesn't fail me...**

**As always, I love the reviews but I don't mind people reading and moving on at all.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I feel like I should peep out from behind a parapet: having promised to try to update soon, it's taken five months. I will beg forgiveness by saying that in October I suffered a major hard drive failure and had to go through two attempts to get my data recovered - which obviously included this chapter plus quite a lot of other works in progress. But yay, I got it back eventually! So, here are the events leading up to Deeks' request to leave NCIS in Chapter 1.**

**Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine. They wouldn't like being kept in storage for months at a time.  
**

* * *

_Two months ago_

It starts the following Tuesday when he tells the others that she's given her number to a complete stranger. He'd resisted the urge to bring it up as they left the beach on Sunday night and Monday had seen him spend the day with the LAPD as part of their liaison arrangement. She's not sure which is worse: having to deal him on her own then or having to deal with him pretending it's all about concern for her and roping Sam and Callen in now.

"And you've never met him before? Not even seen him around?" Sam's eyes narrow.

She sighs, despairingly. "Why are you making a big deal out of this? Most of the guys I've ever dated I'd never met before. And it's not like you all limit yourselves to women you already know – which is fortunate because you'd have gone through the list several times already." She spares Sam but glares at Callen and Deeks, the latter of whom has the grace to look sheepish.

"And we don't really like it when you date anyone," Callen remarks calmly. "Just do us a favour and get Eric to run him. If he came across a bit strangely to Deeks then it's worth doing."

She strengthens the glare towards her partner, who she's starting to suspect could find something strange about any man who developed an interest in her. "He's overreacting."

Deeks is busy staring at his shoes and says nothing, instantly proving her point.

"Well, we'll make him run his next date as well," Sam says with a wink. "Assuming he ever gets one, of course."

"Assuming I'd ever tell you," Deeks retorts quickly, the usual cocky edge to his voice – unless you were his partner and could tell when he was faking.

"Kensi?" Callen brings the focus back to her.

She gives in because she knows that it's the far easier option. "Yes, okay, I'll ask Eric to run a check on him. _Not_ a deep one, though. He's asked me to dinner, not to join him on an advanced chemical warfare course."

She sees a flicker of a smile cross Sam's face and hopes they'll all drop the subject now. A quick glance towards Deeks tells her he isn't done yet, but she'd think it out of character if he was. He turns away deliberately, knowing she can read his face as well as he can read hers, busying himself with some pointless paper shuffling; she wonders how long he'll wait to resume the conversation. The most she can hope is that they are on their own at the time.

She leaves it an hour before she goes upstairs to find Eric, hoping Nell isn't there. Nell has become an unlikely friend and general ally, but they don't touch on the topic of romance: it's too sensitive for both of them. Denial is the safer option.

"Hey Eric," she says casually, to be met with a whirling chair and a friendly grin.

"Hello Kensi. Hetty send you up?"

She shakes her head. "No. Can you do me a favour and run a quick check on someone?"

"Sure. What have you got on them already? Am I looking for anything in particular?"

She hands him Drew's business card. "Just a light-touch search, don't go deep. It's... personal."

"Oh, this the guy Deeks was asking about? I told him I'd need more information, he didn't say you were involved."

Eric's turned back to face his computer and doesn't see her face.

"Deeks was asking?" she repeats, slowly.

"Yeah, he called yesterday when he was done with the LAPD." He continues setting his search parameters, seemingly oblivious to her reaction.

Yesterday. Drew didn't even call her until last night. _So that's why the subject was so deliberately introduced this morning_, she realises.

"Give me an hour," Eric goes on. "Want me to email you the results?"

"Please. Copy in Deeks, since he's so interested." Her tone is icy enough to penetrate anybody's oblivion.

"You okay?"

She nods but doesn't smile. "Fine. Thanks Eric, I'll look out for the email."

She grips the rail too tightly as she descends the stairs, her head a vortex of emotions that she's not used to feeling. This is beyond the reaction she would expect from him and she wishes someone would tell her what to make of it.

His head is down as she returns to her desk and although she's silently simmering she knows they can't get into something now – not with the others in the room. Callen already thinks they're too invested in each other – he's dropped enough hints over the past few months to make even Deeks modify his behaviour – and the last thing they need is Sam joining in. She drops into her seat and tries to breathe normally, desperately willing her mind to stop whirling and focus on her screen. Her eyes keep flicking to the lower right hand corner, unable to stop checking for the new mail notification.

It takes forty-five minutes and six notifications for Eric's name to appear and she tries not click on it too hastily.

_From: E. Beale (OSP -LA)  
To: K. Blye (OSP-LA)  
CC: M. Deeks (OSP-LA)  
Subject: Search results – Andrew Perlman_

_Hi guys – see below for the results you wanted. Ran him through all preliminary searches and no red flags. Sorry it took so long, I left it running in background whilst I was doing something else – E._

_Andrew Christopher PERLMAN  
DOB: 1978/03/29  
Country of Nationality: United States of America  
Place of Birth: Bakersfield, CA –USA_

_Education: East Bakersfield High School (Bakersfield, CA – USA) 1992-1996; UCLA (Los Angeles, CA – USA) 1996-2000: B.S. Mathematics/Economics; London School of Economics (London – UK) 2000-2001: MSc Economics and Management; University of Pennsylvania (Philadelphia, PA – USA) 2001-2005: PhD._

_Employment History: University of Pennsylvania (Philadelphia, PA – USA) October 2005-September 2008; Pennsylvania Department of Community and Economic Development (Harrisburg, PA – USA) September 2008-November 2009; Fielding Economic Research (CA – USA) November 2009-current._

_Law Enforcement flags: None_

_Financial flags: None_

She wants to look up at Deeks to see his reaction but resists; she knows there would only be a gloating expression on her face and she's trying to be the more mature of them at the moment. There's nothing here for him to latch on to and even Callen will be satisfied that Drew appears to pose no threat. Dr Andrew Perlman has enough academic credentials for three people put together, his employment history has no gaps and no agency has flagged him – they rarely see a record so clean. Then again, they rarely run searches on people they don't suspect of criminal behaviour.

Her IM window pops open in front of her.

_M. Deeks: Too good to be true. There's got to be something wrong with him._

She rolls her eyes behind the safety of her screen, resisting the urge to throw her stapler at him.

_K. Blye: You do realise that 99% of the population is likely to come up with a record that clean? You've just spent too long looking up criminals._

A response comes back in seconds.

_M. Deeks: Well, duh. Kind of goes with the job description. I still think it's strange. Who asks for someone's number on a beach?_

Oh, this is ridiculous. Her fingers stab at the keys.

_K. Blye: You do! I've seen you do it!_

It takes longer to receive the reply this time and she knows he's wondering how he can get out of this hole.

_M. Deeks: Yeah, but I'm charming and can get away with it. He's a bit creepy and looks like he doesn't belong on a beach at all._

She takes a deep breath and postpones responding by forwarding Eric's email to Callen.

_From: K. Blye (OSP-LA)  
To: G. Callen (OSP-LA)  
Subject: FW: Search Results – Andrew Perlman_

_G, you okay with this now? Any chance you can get Deeks to lay off?_

She knows there's nothing she can say that will change her partner's mind but she hopes she might at least be able to get him to shut up.

_K. Blye: You're about as charming as appendicitis at the moment. Stop being stupid. He's a perfectly nice guy and I'm only going to dinner with him. It's not like I'm about to elope._

_M. Deeks: Well, at least I know he won't last long. Not with One-Date Blye. Maybe you should warn him he won't be seeing you again. Actually, maybe you should just save you both the hassle and NOT GO._

He's not normally like this and she doesn't know what's got into him. True, he likes to tease her about her love life, wind her up even, but he's never been so… _petty_ about it before. It's like he can't bring himself to concede that she's accidentally met someone who appears to possess no major flaws.

She's halfway through an answer when her email pops up with a typical two-word reply from Callen – 'Yes, okay'. She's pretty certain that means he'll let the subject lie, although whether he'll exert any influence over the others is less certain. Sam follows his lead, she doubts Eric has properly realised why she was asking and Nell's unlikely to venture near the subject when she finds out, so now there's only Deeks' resistance left. The stupid thing is, she muses, this date had meant so little to her before it turned into such a circus that she had only intended to use it to put an end to any notion of ownership still lurking in her partner's head; now, she's almost indignant that they've all been so suspicious of someone so clearly hiding no dark past, to the extent of feeling a far greater attraction to Drew than she ever would if left to her own devices. She wonders when Deeks will realise that all he's done here is stoke the burning embers of a fire that would otherwise have died down on its own.

She returns to her half-composed IM.

_K. Blye: It's just a date, I don't see why you're getting so worked up. I've been on dates before and you've never paid the slightest interest._

It's not strictly true – he's always interested – but it's the first time he's reacted this way. Normally, he drops the subject after the initial mockery, briefly resurrects his interest for a post-mortem the morning after and then persuades her to join him for a commiserative beer after work. And no, she's not blind to whatever it is that's between them, however little she wants to discuss it, but she's always thought it was something that would simmer in the background, the slight frisson to their partnership that marked them out as special. She's never thought they would act on it, no matter how many times her fingers have itched to push his unruly hair out of his eyes or how often she's wondered whether he's the same easy, teasing character behind a closed bedroom door as he is in the office.

There's no answer to her message and she can't resist glancing up to see what he's doing. He's staring at his screen, his eyes unfocused, and she knows he isn't really seeing anything. She can't exactly ask – in the open – why he's discontinued a conversation they shouldn't have been conducting anyway and she's just about to close her IM window and try to dismiss the whole episode when Hetty summons them for a debrief on last week's case.

He's all business for the next hour and she tries to follow his lead, even though she finds it hard to believe he's just going to drop the subject. She doesn't want to identify the feeling nudging at her consciousness but she's horribly afraid it's disappointment that he _has_ dropped it, as if he's just decided to stop caring.

"Are we keeping you from something, Miss Blye?" Hetty asks sharply, halfway through their allocated debrief time.

_Crap. What did I miss?_

"Sorry Hetty," she murmurs, realising any attempt to cover would be pointless.

"She's date planning," Deeks chips in, before Hetty can resume.

And there it is again, that tone of voice nobody but her would be able to tell isn't right. Isn't _him_. Not that she can say anything to him right now, with Callen's warning stare and Hetty's questioning eyebrows aimed at her.

"I'm sorry?" Hetty says flatly, turning her gaze to Deeks.

"Date planning," he repeats. "Kensi's got a man project."

"Well, I'm sure she can continue planning after debrief," comes the response, this time aimed at Kensi herself.

Those eyes feel like they bore into her and it's one of those times when it feels like Hetty knows every secret she's ever had.

"Yes... I can. I mean, I'm not." She sighs and gives in. "What was the question?"

"I asked whether you had anything to contribute on the subject of your early entry last week?"

She wonders if Deeks has said anything that might detract from the version they agreed on just after they ignored Callen's instruction to wait for backup. Without looking directly at him she sees the slightly nod of his head that tells her she's safe.

They might be in conflict right now but he's still her partner.

"We thought we heard a scream," she says firmly.

"So you heard the instruction to wait?"

"Yes, but... There could have been people in there." She keeps her voice even but she doubts anyone present really believes her; it just has to be enough to stop anyone questioning them openly.

The thing is, she knows it was stupid, going in early and unsupported. And she knows Deeks wouldn't have done it without her insistence that they could; but she was feeling jittery and frustrated after two days of chasing subjects who always seemed to be able to outrun them and she couldn't stand the thought of it happening again. She's pretty certain he gave in because he was worried she would go ahead without him.

"And you didn't see fit to alert your team leader?"

From his position safely out of Hetty's line of sight, Deeks pulls a face that clearly says _get yourself out of this one_.

"There wasn't time," she says quickly. "We heard the scream and went in."

Hetty must be feeling merciful. "Next time, I think it would be a good idea if you saw fit to share your theories with the rest of the team. Now, Mr Callen – detainment...?"

She tries to concentrate on the conversation but she just can't keep her mind flitting between subjects, so she's grateful that Hetty seems to be focusing on Callen rather than her. She doesn't look at Deeks, although it's him who refuses to leave her brain alone. It seems like a lot longer than two days since their relationship added its additional layer of complexity and she wonders how long it will take her to unravel exactly what's happening.

* * *

He barely looks up from his desk all afternoon and she is left to wonder how – without a word being exchanged – it can be so easy to spot the difference between their usual easy silence and this unbearable tension. She knows without even stopping to think about it that he's still upset, although she can't bring herself to contemplate why. And she especially can't contemplate why this time is different to any other time she's been on a date, because that would mean facing up to the change they're trying to ignore, the change they've been trying to ignore since they spent so long undercover that it no longer felt strange to act like they were in a relationship.

Halfway through the afternoon, he rolls his shoulders, flexes his fingers and announces that he needs to do something that doesn't involve his brain. She sees Sam mentally running through comebacks and hopes he doesn't say anything, not with Deeks in this mood - her partner has a nasty temper that is slow to rouse but simmers unpleasantly once it's sparked. He takes things far more to heart than most people realise, dwelling on a comment far longer than anyone would expect.

She thinks Sam notices the warning glance from Callen, because he remains mercifully quiet as Deeks leaves the room. Callen's eyes redirect towards her and she can't even pretend not to understand his telegraphed message.

_Whatever's going on, fix it now_.

The problem is, she's not sure she can.

It's as if she's spent two years under the assumption that Deeks is a fairly straightforward guy only for him to suddenly overturn that impression with one morning of unknown motive. She's never really tried to get into his head before and now she finds she can't. In the field they're instinctive, but she reminds herself they didn't start off like that – they _learned_ their partnership and it looked as if it worked easily far sooner than it actually did. And truthfully? She's never really bothered learning about _him_, about Marty Deeks the man rather than her partner. She doesn't know if he's the jealous type, because she's never known him stick with a girl long enough to find out. She doesn't know if he falls for someone easily or if it takes time for his attraction to grow. She doesn't know how he acts with people outside work – yes, she knows how he is with _her_ outside work but she's never met any of his friends even though she knows damn well he's got more friendships than she could ever manage to maintain.

So she follows him, simply because she has no alternative. She can't fix anything until he talks to her.

* * *

**I wanted to get through more in this chapter but this seems a natural place to pause. I really will try to be quicker with the next instalment; I've got three days before I go back to work so I hope to be able to finish it within that time.**

**As usual, all reviews appreciated and constructive criticism gratefully received, but I don't mind if you want to read (or follow/favourite) and move on.**


End file.
